Inhale…

Somehow there are times when our breathing becomes the center of our whole being….I mean, yes, we die if we don´t breathe….but our body always remembers to breathe…it´s natural…it´s easy…until it isn´t…

I open my eyes in the morning, I can see a tree, sunlight, the window…it´s the same everyday, I stretch, I get up and get ready to start my day… My body knows what to do…I don´t have to tell it to do anything….I don´t have to talk myself into anything….

But….there are times, like this morning, where my eyes open, I see the tree, the sunlight, the window….and I whisper to myself….”inhale”…”hold it”….”focus”….”it´s one of those days”….”sucks, I know”….”don´t cry”….”stretch”….”get up”….”it´ll be ok”…

It´s amazing the level of consciousness required to get through a bad day…

Every thought monitored…hundreds of conversations with myself…it´s exhausting really to try to negotiate with the person who knows me best…..me. I´m great at bullshitting myself when I want to….I´ve spent entire eras in denial….but my 40´s seem to be the years of honesty where I make a point of calling myself out on my own bullshit and on the bullshit others try to lay on me….

It makes for an uninteresting and secluded life because at the end of the day….everyone lies. Not being able to see past that makes my future a pretty lonely one….

I´m not sure if that saddens me really….a part of me feels empowered and grown up for thinking that way….but the other, needs to say “inhale”…”it´s going to be ok”….and both versions of me coexist and exhaust me as they each take turns giving me their latest view on my life….and what I should and shouldnt do…how I should and shouldnt feel, what I should or shouldnt think…

If I wanted to sound cheesy Id say its my heart battling with my brain, but in all honesty I think I have two brains that are just as stubborn and right in their own way….and my challenge is to figure out which versión is truly me….

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On the fence….

So here I am, sitting on the fence wondering how the hell I´m supposed to feel today. That´s a question I ask myself several times a day. How am I? As if the answer was important, and would provide me with a result that would reflect my level of maturity.

If I am angry it must be because I am processing pain.

If I am processing pain, it must be because I haven´t learned to let things slide right off me, therefore I am weak.

All of these years of hard work and I still let things get to me.

If I am sad it must mean that I still let things get to me. I´m weak.

If I´m not sad then it must not be that important to me.

Unless, I have learned to process my sadness, therefore I have grown!

If I don´t feel anything….then I am repressing my feelings because it´s impossible to not have any reaction to what is happening. Or…I have mastered such level of self control that I can talk myself out of any negative feeling…..

So….here I am wondering how I SHOULD be feeling….

Why is it so important for me to confirm that I am processing this the “right way”?

I´m tired of having these conversations with myself all day…

How are you? Are you ok?

There´s nothing more frustrating that wanting your own brain to shut up and just let you move on….focus on something else….pretend everything is fine without taking the fucking feelings thermometer and shoving it in my mouth every hour on the hour…

No wonder they can it processing feelings….it sounds like a fucking job. Going through every posible rational or irrational emotion…and questioning it. Why am I feeling this? Why am I feeling that?

And then I get into these entire explanations. So Rebecca, you are feeling this because of bla bla bla bla….and the bitch is usually right! But I don´t need to hear it all day everyday! I think that´s why I´m not as afraid as I used to be of numbing myself at times…whether it be with alcohol, a sedative, or contemplating any other  alternative. I´m pretty tired of always being monitored by the brain pólice!

It needs to understanding everything! All the fucking time! It´s exhausting….and sad. Being smart can lead to sadness…

Ignorance truly is bliss….I can attest to that. The catch is that I pretend not to understand or know…so then it´s fabricated bliss that comes back and bites me in the ass eventually because I know….my brain always fucking knows what´s up….

I´m writing this piece of crap and even now I know why I´m doing it…..it just takes the fun out of everything! I´d like to just wing it for once, and do something without any insight…without much understanding…without questioning what I think or feel…that would be refreshing….but, the ever so giving gene pool I am so lucky to swim in on a daily basis won´t let me lose, not for a second….

Sighs….it´s a curse and a blessing to feel everything so deeply

 

 

 

 

Stepping on the breaks…

How many times do we need to go down the same road before we realize that at some point we´ll have to step on the breaks because there´s no way to keep going?

Same road, every day, we get to the same point…and we need to stop. We know we´ll have to stop even before we get dressed to get in the car. We know we´ll have to stop but somehow we believe deep down that today will be different. Today the road will have fixed itself. The road will consider our feelings and fix itself so that we can smoothly ride on it without having the usual hassle of driving, stopping and turning around.

Think about it…we go to bed at night, sleep, wake up, shower, get dressed, have breakfast, get in the car and start driving. There are several ways to get to work, but we think that today….will be the day that we´ll be able to use “that road”…I mean, we´ve been patient, hopeful, so…one day, it should be fixed, right? We go down the road, feeling good, confident, almost happy because it feels like it´ll be different this time…but no, we have to hit the breaks…again, and turn back.

Perhaps if I buy better tires I´ll be able to drive over the cracks in the road and get to where I want to go? Maybe if I drive really slow?…And we think of the many things we could do in order to overcome the road and be able to make it work but…the road is still there, it´s still cracked, and it´s not going to fix itself. Maybe I should walk over the road. I could cut myself but Id make it over…I could burn my feet but….and we go on and on and on figuring out ways to change ourselves and how we do things to be able to handle the broken road. The obstacle.

Are all obstacles meant to be overcome? Is every challenge meant to be met? Are all roads worth so much time and thought if they are visibly cracked? How long is too long? How much is too much? What is worth it and what is not?…How do we decide?..