One sunny day you pick up the newspaper and after flipping through a few pages of major events…it catches you almost off guard….taking up a whole page in itself…is the bio of what from now on you will call the love of your life – The Corporation. Just like you felt about the head cheerleader in high school, you think you don´t stand a chance..and so with visible sadness you move onto the next page and forget about it.
Later in bed that night, you dream…if only you could talk to her, for just a little while…at least get your foot in the door, show her what you´re made of then maybe…just maybe…she´ll be interested enough to give you a chance. Am I tall enough? You wonder…do I have the looks? the skills? Am I corporation material? And as you dose off into la la land, thoughts of the corporation seem to fade away…
The next morning, with The Corporation still on your mind…you reach for the phone book (or google, depending on what century you live in) and look up her number. Will I have the courage to speak to her? Will I get a word out? you wonder…and so, like a hesitant teenager you dial. You get a recording “Thankyou for calling The Corporation…your call is very important to us. Please dial the extension of the person you are trying to reach. If you do not know your parties extension please press the pound key now for operator assistance”. Extension? Party? Pound key? You can feel your heart racing, and before you begin to hyperventilate you press the pound key. And the phone rings….and rings…and rings. After the sixth ring…the message goes off again “Thank you for calling the Corporation….”. So you try again…
After the fourth attempt, pressing the phone keys softer and then harder, you give up. You sigh…and realize that getting ahold of her is going to be harder than you thought. You look up other numbers with no luck. You feel like your soon to be mother in law has hung up on you over and over and over…and once again your thoughts are…that you don´t stand a chance.
A few days later, in a party you overhear someone talking about her. You had given up hope..but, maybe a friend could give you some insight on how to get her at least over the phone. “It´s my lucky day”, you think…and subtly you join the conversation. “So, you´re familiar with The Corporation? What do I need to do to get to her?” and as if you hadn´t bathed in a week and after a fake smile from all involved, the conversation comes to a hault. Noone wants to share inside information and so you get your first taste of competition.
You start to wonder if so much hassle is even worth it, and you lose faith. You decide to put together a love letter…where you let her know your name, where she can find you, your romantic past, relationship experience and overall skills that may make you worthy of her. You send it over via e-mail and decide to drop one off at her doorstep. The nanny greets you at the door, tells you to leave the letter and that she´ll call you. You leave the frozen entrance with your heart in your hand praying to hear from her soon.
Weeks later, while you´re visiting a relative your cell phone rings. “Is this Mr. Jones?” and thinking it´s a telemarketing scam you reluctantly reply “Who´s calling?”. The lady on the line graciously states that she´s calling on behalf of The Corporation. She wants to meet you. Your hands begin to sweat, heart races and within studders you ask when. Monday at 8 am. It´s Thursday so you have the entire weekend to prepare for it. You don´t know what about your letter caught her attention, nor did you ask. You´ll have to wait until Monday at 8 am.
You go shopping for new clothes, get a haircut and rehearse your opening speech. You´re ready to market yourself and sweep her off her feet.
On Monday you wake up every hour on the hour to make sure you don´t miss the alarm clock and at 5 am sharp you jump into the shower. You have to be squeaky clean for your date. Soap behind the ears, ankles and where the sun doesn´t shine…you´re spotless! You jump out, dry off and style your hair, brush your teeth and have a pre-date snack to settle your nerves. 7:00 am you´re out the door…and on your way to meet your beloved.
At 7:45 am you sit at her front door after being greeted by the nanny, for her to come to meet you. An hour goes by, as you look around the entrance watching people come and go. What a big family she has! Men, women…all looking very well put together, you look down on your threads and feel thankful you chose the black dress pants as opposed to the khakis. You and the nanny smile at each other, as you both feel uncomfortable that the wait has extended for so long.
Finally, a woman approaches you. “Good Morning Mr. Jones, My name is Mary and I will take you to your first interview”. Interview? You mean all this waiting and I won´t get to talk to her? I still need to be scanned some more? What, are they going to test me for rabies? I don´t get it…but off we go.
Fitting of CIA type questioning, you´re asked everything from your intentions, to where you´d take her honeymooning, to ways you´ll ensure that the relationship lasts. Your confidence and ability to communicate is being evaluated as the person in charge carefully watches your body language. Is he lying? Is he trust worthy?. It´s now time for more tests…
Shipped off to another room, you are questioned by yet another individual who claims to be the family shrink. He lays a set of papers in front of you and you are required to give answers to the scenarios described in them. Bottom line, they want to know that you´re not some serial killer that will harm her or ruin her reputation.
Several uncles and aunts parade by while you´ve not had a chance to use the restroom. You boldly ask about her parents (you´ve earned it!) and are told that they´re travelling and they don´t usually meet her admirers but moreso get to know them once there´s a solid relationship going on. That they hire experts to determine who gets that far up in the food chain. Drug tests follow and after being poked and pulled…you´re sent off with nothing more than a promise to get back to you…again. Sighs…
Very unlike other candidates, you get a call the next day letting you know that you have been approved to formally date The Corporation and that they expect you in headquarters on the following Tuesday, and the saga begins…
