The Corporate G-spot (part IV) Getting to second base with The Corporation…

So, you´re in the circle of trust sought after by many. You see each other daily from 8:30 am to 5 pm. Sometimes you stay late caring for her needs. She challenges you with more complex honeydo lists and has her relatives evaluate you. Did you complete your tasks on time? Were you efficient? Did you reach out to others to ensure that the job gets done? Can you work with others? Getting your foot in the door seemed easy compared to keeping the relationship fresh and exciting!

She calls you at all hours and carefully tracks your response time. She needs to know that you´re available, approachable and have a positive demeanor even when you´re exhausted and she´s in the mood for some kissing. She gives you a blackberry as a first month anniversary gift and you think that the she´s very generous up until even your bathroom trips are shared!

At times, you wonder if that Small Business that you were seeing was a better catch. Low maintenance, slower pace, flexible to your needs and considerate of your feelings. You felt important, like your opinion mattered and your actions made a difference. With The Corporation, you need to be careful about sharing ideas because the walls have ears and there´s many admirers waiting to take your spurs of creativity as their own. At times, you feel like you´re not alone…and you´re not! E-mails are being filtered and phone calls recorded…you must learn to be careful about what you say or do because everything and I mean EVERYTHING can and will be used against you…

Regardless, you love The Corporation and still see her in your future. You want her to bare your children and share years and years of professional bliss. In the midst of those thoughts, you feel a burning in your groin. It´s time, you think…to take this relationship to the next level…

As any woman that has been around, The Corporation is also good at putting up a virginal act. She won´t make it easy for you to unbotton her blouse, but she´ll tease you to the point of making you believe that you can. So, you meet with each of her relatives alone…explain your intentions and your need to grow the relationship. You sell the idea of how you can add value to her life and your loyalty and skills will make her happy. Some seem pleased, others don´t seem to agree. You might have stepped on some toes unknowingly during your courtship. Perhaps they had other plans for her, other candidates to be with her, an unknown agenda. You realize that she´s not the only obstacle but that you´ll have to win over the whole family.

You then turn to your friends for council. Peter, your most corporate savvy pal mentions a cologne that might help you get to the gold. It´s called Perceptions, by Chanel. The trick is, to wear it around the right people and at the right time, or it may come on too strong. You should always stop to smell yourself to ensure that the fresh scent hasn´t turned stale. Stale Perceptions can become negative Perceptions and instead of attracting, you´ll  be quarantined and sent to solitary for an uknown period of time.

How can a simple scent of Perceptions be so important? You´d be surprised! As with any perfume you need to consider the following elements:

Test it on  your own skin: Perfume doesn´t smell the same on all types of skin and everyone has a distinct chemical combination that will trigger a different scent on each one. You need to find the right Perceptions for you.

Buy the spray and not the concentrated version: Although stronger, the concentrated version isn´t recommended because it may upset stomaches, cause nausea in those around you and even, in extreme situations make them faint. Instead of causing a positive impression, you will be labeled the corporate skunk. The spray, on the other hand will leave a subtle but long lasting scent that is agreeable and will become your trademark. Perceptions will speak for you, without you having to say a word.

Buy bottles and give them as Christmas gifts: If you want to begin the year with stronger possibilities of formalizing your relationship with The Corporation, giving out Perceptions for her relatives to use  will prove far more productive than letting them buy their own. With cheap knock offs and people wanting you to fail, you must ensure that your True Perceptions are delivered first that way that will be the impression that they have of you instead of those that others try to pour on them. Once they have, it´s very difficult to wash the stench away…

You decide to invest in Perceptions, although reluctantly, because you still don´t see how a simple scent can make such a difference, until…you walk through her door, bottles already delivered to the relatives, and your distinct smell fills the room, and you watch her slowly…unbotton her shirt…”you´ve earned it” she says, in her seductive voice…and you fall for her charm, and slip your hand into her bra…you´re on top of the world…

The Corporate G-spot (part III) Corporate Kissing…

First date is underway, candle light lunch in the cafeteria surrounded by hundreds of people and as you gaze into her eyes, you wonder about that moment in which your recently moistened lips touch hers in what cannot be described as anything less than a religious experience…your first kiss. Your objective is to make her quiver, and hers is to make you want to kiss her more and more.

As I had mentioned before, The Corporation is an experienced gal that has… well…been around, and kissed many, so if you´re a rookie in the kissing department then you seriously need to brush up because this isn´t a joke. Corporate kissing is an art form.

You can´t just zoom in and place your eager wet lips on her…you need to strategize! You need to train, really prepare because once you give her that first kiss, it´s a kissing marathon from then on…you kiss the mother, and the father, and the uncles and aunts, the nanny, the driver and the cook. You want to win them all over. If dad wants some soda, you bring him the coldest to quench his thirst, if mom wants a ride to the market you have the car on so that she doesn´t break a sweat…if uncles and aunts want you to cater for a party then you spend hours cooking and decorating your back yard. Anything and everything…to satisfy the corporate kissing need. And boy, is she a needy one indeed.

You´d think that with all those people in her past and present she´d get tired of being kissed, but amazingly it seems that the desire grows as time goes on and the level of demand increases. Kissing expectations just get higher and higher and just when you think you´ve paid our dues…think again, because it´s kissing time again!

The challenging part is to want to keep kissing her after a while, when she´s fresh out of bed and not smelling too great, when she´s not been especially nice to you, or when you´ve caught her flirting with someone else. That´s when you really need to dig deep into your inner motivation to keep your kissing fire burning. Being the spoiled brat that she is…if the Corporation wants a kiss, she gets a kiss…or she moves onto someone else, more willing to put up with her moods and ways…and she will! Keep in mind that there´s a long line of admirers just waiting for you to slip…

But, back to daydreaming about that much awaited first kiss. She tells you to prepare yourself (she´s already given you hints on her favorites topics of conversation) and to wait for her in one of her rooms and so you rush to the bathroom, rinse with some heavy duty mouthwash, look in the mirror to make sure everything is in it´s place, and off you go…feeling a combination of anxiety and excitement, to meet your beloved…

You walk in, and much to your surprise…she´s not alone. Her whole family is there to witness the grand event so you think, “How hard can this be”?. You walk towards her, ready to lay out the heavy artillery when BAM, a slap on the cheek! Oh, you didn´t know she liked it rough? I guess they don´t like to discuss it, her family, the fact that she has some attitude issues. It´s  a secret, only shared by those who get that close to her. So, you´re caught off guard and as you ask yourself why you´re even there…as a reaction fueled by pure adrenaline, you smile…compose yourself…and pucker up.

She looks so sweet, even after her little tantrum, that everyone has decided to ignore…as she embraces you in what feels like a piece of heaven. You´ve passed her test…she´s opened up to receive your kiss. Her family looks pleased and you can hear Endless Love in the background. This is it, you think…you´ve found what you´ve been waiting for…the love of your life. And so, you kiss and kiss and kiss…

You kiss her in the morning, when you wake her at 8:30 am sharp everyday (god forbid you´re late because she´ll get temperamental), you kiss her for lunch (that cannot last more than an hour or she´ll send you away), you kiss her in between when she gives you several honeydo lists to complete… you´re in a relationship…she makes herself available and takes you places, while you work diligently on pleasing her. Sometimes you kiss gently, others passionately, but once you´ve started you can never stop kissing because if you do…she´ll think you don´t love her anymore…tell her relatives and have you shipped off to Siberia.

You´re happy with your new temperamental love, you can sense that something isn´t quite right about her but you think, that in time…she´ll change. Perhaps when you´re married, have kids…she´ll decrease her bipolar tendencies…after all, she loves you, right? Why think about all of those who have tried to stay with her over the years unsuccessfully? They didn´t know her like you do…they can´t kiss her as good as you can…this love affair can only get better and better…right?

The Corporate G-spot (part II) Dating Corporate – Not corporate dating (It´s different!)

One sunny day you pick up the newspaper and after flipping through a few pages of major events…it catches you almost off guard….taking up a whole page in itself…is the bio of what from now on you will call the love of your life – The Corporation. Just like you felt about the head cheerleader in high school, you think you don´t stand a chance..and so with visible sadness you move onto the next page and forget about it.

Later in bed that night, you dream…if only you could talk to her, for just a little while…at least get your foot in the door, show her what you´re made of then maybe…just maybe…she´ll be interested enough to give you a chance. Am I tall enough? You wonder…do I have the looks? the skills? Am I corporation material? And as you dose off into la la land, thoughts of the corporation seem to fade away…

The next morning, with The Corporation still on your mind…you reach for the phone book (or google, depending on what century you live in) and look up her number. Will I have the courage to speak to her? Will I get a word out? you wonder…and so, like a hesitant teenager you dial. You get a recording “Thankyou for calling The Corporation…your call is very important to us. Please dial the extension of the person you are trying to reach. If you do not know your parties extension please press the pound key now for operator assistance”. Extension? Party? Pound key? You can feel your heart racing, and before you begin to hyperventilate you press the pound key. And the phone rings….and rings…and rings. After the sixth ring…the message goes off again “Thank you for calling the Corporation….”. So you try again…

After the fourth attempt, pressing the phone keys softer and then harder, you give up. You sigh…and realize that getting ahold of her is going to be harder than you thought. You look up other numbers with no luck. You feel like your soon to be mother in law has hung up on you over and over and over…and once again your thoughts are…that you don´t stand a chance.

A few days later, in a party you overhear someone talking about her. You had given up hope..but, maybe a friend could give you some insight on how to get her at least over the phone. “It´s my lucky day”, you think…and subtly you join the conversation. “So, you´re familiar with The Corporation? What do I need to do to get to her?” and as if you hadn´t bathed in a week and after a fake smile from all involved, the conversation comes to a hault. Noone wants to share inside information and so you get your first taste of competition.

You start to wonder if so much hassle is even worth it, and you lose faith. You decide to put together a love letter…where you let her know your name, where she can find you, your romantic past, relationship experience and overall skills that may make you worthy of her. You send it over via e-mail and decide to drop one off at her doorstep. The nanny greets you at the door, tells you to leave the letter and that she´ll call you. You leave the frozen entrance with your heart in your hand praying to hear from her soon.

Weeks later, while you´re visiting a relative your cell phone rings. “Is this Mr. Jones?” and thinking it´s a telemarketing scam you reluctantly reply “Who´s calling?”. The lady on the line graciously states that she´s calling on behalf of The Corporation. She wants to meet you. Your hands begin to sweat, heart races and within studders you ask when. Monday at 8 am. It´s Thursday so you have the entire weekend to prepare for it.  You don´t know what about your letter caught her attention, nor did you ask. You´ll have to wait until Monday at 8 am.

You go shopping for new clothes, get a haircut and rehearse your opening speech. You´re ready to market yourself and sweep her off her feet.

On Monday you wake up every hour on the hour to make sure you don´t miss the alarm clock and at 5 am sharp you jump into the shower. You have to be squeaky clean for your date. Soap behind the ears, ankles and where the sun doesn´t shine…you´re spotless! You jump out, dry off and style your hair, brush your teeth and have a pre-date snack to settle your nerves. 7:00 am you´re out the door…and on your way to meet your beloved.

At 7:45 am you sit at her front door after being greeted by the nanny, for her to come to meet you. An hour goes by, as you look around the entrance watching people come and go. What a big family she has! Men, women…all looking very well put together, you look down on your threads and feel thankful you chose the black dress pants as opposed to the khakis. You and the nanny smile at each other, as you both feel uncomfortable that the wait has extended for so long.

Finally, a woman approaches you. “Good Morning Mr. Jones, My name is Mary and I will take you to your first interview”. Interview? You mean all this waiting and I won´t get to talk to her? I still need to be scanned some more? What, are they going to test me for rabies? I don´t get it…but off we go.

Fitting of CIA type questioning, you´re asked everything from your intentions, to where you´d take her honeymooning, to ways you´ll ensure that the relationship lasts. Your confidence and ability to communicate is being evaluated as the person in charge carefully watches your body language. Is he lying? Is he trust worthy?. It´s now time for more tests…

Shipped off to another room, you are questioned by yet another individual who claims to be the family shrink. He lays a set of papers in front of you and you are required to give answers to the scenarios described in them. Bottom line, they want to know that you´re not some serial killer that will harm her or ruin her reputation.

Several uncles and aunts parade by while you´ve not had a chance to use the restroom. You boldly ask about her parents (you´ve earned it!) and are told that they´re travelling and they don´t usually meet her admirers but moreso get to know them once there´s a solid relationship going on. That they hire experts to determine who gets that far up in the food chain.  Drug tests follow and after being poked and pulled…you´re sent off with nothing more than a promise to get back to you…again. Sighs…

Very unlike other candidates, you get a call the next day letting you know that you have been approved to formally date The Corporation and that they expect you in headquarters on the following Tuesday, and the saga begins…

The corporate G-spot (part I)

Just as men thrive on making love (political correctness alert!) to a blonde big breasted babe, professional men and women thrive on making love to a corporation. We’ve been taught that sex with a small business just isn’t the same. Not much benefits, not much visibility (always missionary and in the bedroom)…no opportunities to travel as much (cheap lover) and not much libido either, whereas corporations have the reputation of keeping you up at night, taking you places, constantly requiring your attention and driving you to perform better and better each day.

The corporation adrenaline rush will take you to highs as no other, but beware of an unsatisfied corporation…do you recall the term scorned woman? Well, let’s say that corporations are like women that way, and if you can’t make them orgasm, or haven’t over the last say…five minutes, they will begin to grow resentment and slowly but surely, as any unhappy lover…they will replace you. The sad part is, that like in most relationships…they won’t tell you..they’ll expect you to mind read…and if you’re smart enough you will…but if not…you’ll receive your notice that the relationship is over…via e-mail, and at least five people, the corporation’s parents and lawyers…will know before you do.

How can this be avoided? Find the corporate g-spot!

Now, men who read this will say…easy! But guess what? If women can fake it, and make you believe that you’ve hit it…so can a corporation! And even more so, with so many people trying to get to it at the same time. Did I  mention that corporations aren’t characterized by their loyalty and faithfulness? Yes, while you’re trying to please it…so are thousands of others…which makes your quest all the more difficult…it’s like trying to shine in a box filled with diamonds…(you know what I mean)…

As with sex in general, the ability to satisfy has alot to do with:

-Chemistry

-Ability

-Willingness

Chemistry is key. Keep in mind that a corporation is made of many individuals and ensuring that you have rapport with each and every one of them is of utmost importance. It’s about ongoing dating, looking into their eyes while you talk to them, displaying sharp active listening skills, making them feel like you care (and meaning it) that will get them to even consider getting into bed with you…

Ability although second on the list is also very important because once you have them in bed, you want to flip them like a pancake so that you leave a lasting impression. It’s about presentation, content, delivery and of course results! Making them orgasm over and over and keeping it interesting by finding more efficient and creative ways to do it…

Willingness is a must, because some corporations will require more patience than others and it all depends on how much you really want it. You must be willing to have it ignore you at times, recognize you at times, put you down at times and praise you others…Making love to a corporation isn’t for those weak at heart because it will put you through an emotional roller coaster but once you’ve mastered it, it can be as smooth and fulfilling as the taste of godiva chocolate melting in your mouth..

You must think smart, and not with the heart…because corporations will test  your endurance and your tolerance, only to find out if you’re worthy to sleep with them, so take your time to study all of the angles of each of the individuals and what makes them tick…touch them softly, and watch how they react…then with a firmer grip and take notes…pay lots of attention! and Listen, listen, listen! High pitch moan means keep going, and silence means stop! Don’t be stubborn trying to push it, or you’ll be kicked out of bed in no time…

The Birds and the B’s…

The girl bird and the boy bird fall in love and marry (because that’s how it happens, right?) and they decide to make little baby birds. The girl B and the boy B fall in love and marry and they decide to make little baby B’s. I’ve never heard of birds and B’s complaining about how their mate performs. Is it good for them, enjoyable? Does the boy bird ensure that the girl bird is taken care of? Does the girl B tell the boy B what she likes?

Unfortunately some people are no different. Some couples lack basic bedroom communication skills.

Years ago, mating was a guy thing. Girls who enjoyed it were “bad”. Nowadays with all that has been said about equality you would think that women would feel comfortable enough expressing themselves in all arenas, but there’s still a large group of B’s out there that that don’t or can’t. For some cultures the whole topic is taboo to the point of castrating female genitalia to avoid women from feeling any physical pleasure at all. But what about those women who are emotionally castrated and can’t enjoy being with their mate or spouse just because they won’t or can’t speak up?

After hours and hours of girl talk, one is exposed to all kinds of ideas and opinions and on this particular topic I’ve narrowed down 2 B types.

B type 1 – The B that has no clue as to what rocks her beehive

This is the B that hasn’t mated enough to know what she truly enjoys, so she takes what she gets and assumes that’s as good as it gets. She’s probably mated too young and married the first male B that came along. This B needs to read one of the 206 books on O’s at Barnes and Nobles that I found when I ran a search. Yes, it’s OK to read about these things. Don’t you educate yourself on how to eat the right food? How to do yoga appropriately? This is no different! This B type needs to watch 9 and 1/2 weeks and experiment, experiment, experiment! Between two consenting B’s there is no such thing as off-limits unless you both agree that you’re not comfortable. If you want to use the honey in more ways than one, that’s ok! Get creative! Explore yourself without limitations…it’s your body and no one elses and if you don’t know what rocks it, who will?

B type 2 – The B that has beehive talk intolerance

These are the B’s that can’t use the F word, or the O word, or the G word, or any word that indicates a female reproductive organ, or action that refers to intimate physical enjoyment. They’re clinical in their descriptions of you know, THAT. These B types won’t provide their mates with any feedback, not because they’re not enjoying themselves but because they just don’t feel comfortable talking about THAT especially during THAT. They’ll get flustered by just thinking about THAT. These B types need to get with the program! After reading the 206 books, maybe a movie or two of those that have those three letters in a row might help. Start slowly by simply indicating if your mate is on the right road, or needs to make a turn or two, and let him know if the driving is pleasant. Keep it clinical, and try to improvise here and there…it really pays off! Male B’s like the feedback…Forget about your upbringing and what your grandma told you about what makes a “lady”. Male B’s want you to flap your wings with class and distinction when you’re out and about, but they need you to Buzz when you’re rocking the beehive.

Although for some religions, one should only rock the beehive to procreate, the truth is that it’s a great way to relax (some doctors recommend it for stress relief and even migrains), to bond with your male B (they really like it too) and to just enjoy yourself if done the right way and that will depend on your ability to Buzz what you like and what you don’t… 

What have you buzzed lately?

L – I – F – E

The movie was Internal Affairs starring Richard Gere and Andy Garcia. I was in the theatre with my then boyfriend when I suddenly felt my heart begin to race, I was sweating and could barely catch my breath. Out of the blue I felt the urge to run out the door, which I did, as I quickly pulled my blouse out from inside of my pants and got rid of the then in style shoulder pads that were strategically tucked under my bra straps. (I´m still not sure where the american-football player look came from). I felt scared…I thought I was going to die.

At the hospital, after giving me a read out of my perfectly normal vital signs the doctor suggested that I take some Valium. In shock, I asked him what on earth for…and he told me that not only was I not going to die…but in not so many words, that whatever I had just felt was brought on by my own head. I had a panic attack.

The reason? I was told that I was afraid to die.

For years I was convinced that death scared me, and that this was the source of my anxiety. I became afraid of getting on planes, going to crowded places or events, riding in elevators, standing in line at the supermarket (yeah, weird I know) and driving over bridges.

I can´t say when, but at some point I realized that by letting fear get the best of me I would end up isolating myself from the world and that wasn´t something I was willing to accept. I began to walk, take yoga classes, learn to breathe and find my inner peace. I slowly faced my fears, got on planes, stuck to the new elevators (still don´t ride old ones), went to some events (still avoid concerts), spent hours at the supermarket and drove over bridges with no problem. The panic attacks kept coming.

What was going on? I was getting over the fear of dying….but I was  still afraid of…li.ving!

Enjoying life was a foreign concept to me. I had grown so accustomed to having something to complain about that I couldn´t see the forrest through the trees. I was rushing through life at an accelerated pace that was driving me over the edge.

During my first high risk pregnancy, at age 22, I would sit and think of the songs I´d like to sing to my son when he was born. In bed for a little over 7 months other than picking out his name and writing it over and over (yes, I have some obsessive traits) I finally came up with a song. Beautiful Boy by John Lennon. It was fitting. Life lessons in the form of a song for my first born…little did I know that the lesson was to be learned…by me only many years later.

“L-I-F-E is what happens to you while you´re busy doing other things”….

What other things can be more important than learning to live?

Over the years, I´ve realized that people like me tend to postpone the whole living thing waiting for an event or moment in time to happen in order to really enjoy ourselves. We wait to have enough money, we wait until the kids are older, we wait until we get that promotion at work we´ve been waiting for and we even wait for seasons to change. It´s almost as if we feel that we don´t deserve to receive all the good things life has to give us. (or at least not until we´ve “complied” with pre-requisites like in college).

I once read that “How we spend our days, is how we spend the rest of our lives” and it scared me. I was in bed feeling like crap and wondered, is this how I want to spend the rest of my L-I-F-E? Fortunately that little voice in my head said “heck no” and I started to plan my days from then on. I´m not even close to there yet, but I´ve gone from mall outtings to yoga classes, from watching tv to reading more, from chatting with random friends to having meaningful conversations with my close friends, from teling my kids what to do to listening to what they have to say, from looking straight ahead to stopping on occasion to see what´s on each side of me.

.I don´t think of this lifetime as a dress rehearsal, this is IT. This is the only chance I´ll get to make it the way that makes me happy, and now is the only time I´ll have to do it so…

I smile alot more now…

I listen more…

I understand and accept that things won´t always go my way but that´s OK…

I don´t complain, as I know that things can always be worse…

I appreciate the gifts I´ve been given like my health, the health of my children, my friends…

I take my time to do important things that I had no patience for before like untangling my daughters hair…

I play silly games with my kids and enjoy their laughter…

I close my eyes as I feel the wind on my face and think that it´s a good day…

My anxiety has gone away, and I continue to learn how to live…

L – Living

I – it

F – fully

E – everyday…

Are you?

I wanna B…

When asked what makes you proud, most people would answer “my kids”; “my job”; “the pounds I’ve lost over the past week”. So, if g’d forbid you were to suddenly be without children; or a job and having gained all your weight back again, there would be nothing about yourself that makes you proud?

I spent the last year attending monthly leadership modules as part of a development program, at the company that I currently work for and asides from feeding us tools to become effective leaders,  they also gave us food for thought about our personal lives. About who we are, and who we wanna-b.

Alot was discussed about the differences between having; doing and being. I have three kids, I am their mom, but that’s not all that I am. I write, that would make me a writer (rookie, to say the least), but that’s not all that I am. So, what would make me what I am? What do I wanna-b, when I take away all that I have and do?

Up until my 30′s I hadn’t really thought about what I would like to leave as a legacy for my kids. Surrounded by families that consider trust funds and stock as legacies, it’s become almost a quest of sorts for me to ensure that my children understand what is important. What makes a human being relevant, of value…. “rich”. This is a pretty frecuent subject of conversation in our household, especially when alot of attention is place on the attainment of blackberrys, private planes and lamborghinis. Yes, most typical kids think of those things, but when they spend time in school surrounded by 12 year olds that have all of those things, the subject of “you are what you have, and not who you ARE” becomes a problem.

My son was only 7 when he stated that it was OK for him to put his feet up on our recently purchased couch, because it wasn’t a “millionare’s couch” or when he asked me for $US100.oo to “buy” his karate diploma. My daughter is 11 and “needs” a blackberry. I don’t even need a blackberry! (well, I do…but just for work).

How do we teach them that although “stuff” is nice to have, it doesn’t define us? How do we keep them grounded in a time and day that drives us to fly higher off the ground? How do we make them understand that talent and beauty is temporary and that what remains is who we are, and what we are made of?

Let me tell you…it’s alot of work.

I’ve used a few of these strategies over the years:

- Lead by example: The whole “do as I say and not as I do” doesn’t fly with kids these days anymore. You won’t have much credibility if your idea of a family outting is to the nearest mall. Yes, it’s probably the easiest thing to do, but sometimes staying home and just hanging out is just as fun and far more productive. I’ve seen my childrens faces light up much more when I have their head on my lap as I caress their faces, than when I’ve bought them new clothes.

-Be honest: I’ve always spoken to my kids as if they were grown ups. (caring for age differences when it comes to the tough subjects, of course). They love to use “well, my friend Sherry can do it” and my reply is “That’s great. Sherry’s mom and I have different parenting styles. I don’t think a trip to Cabo is appropriate for an unnacompanied 9 year old.” Or the famous one we heard as kids “well, if Sherry jumps off a bridge, would you too?”. The issue now is that most big mouthed kids (especially mine, would reply “why not”?.

- Repeat yourself: Over and over, like a broken record. Until they know what you’re going to say before you say it. (My son know when it’s coming and says “Mom, I know I know…we’re not like the other families…bla bla bla. Why do you have to be so strict?). That’s when I confirm, that my job is paying off, but far from done!

Values aren’t as overrated as they say. The traits that were considered as good years ago, are still good today. The only difference is that there is alot more information that travels very quickly and much more “stuff” to fill our minds with but at the end of the day, it’s what is in our hearts and heads that will keep us going when all else is gone.

To be perceived as giving; responsive; trustworthy; punctual;committed; loving; open; fair; strong, wise; cooperative; considerate; loyal; ethical; driven; and whatever other personal values and beliefs they may have…is the legacy I’d like to leave my children. That when they are asked what they wanna-b, it’s not just limited to “a doctor”; “a lawyer” but about a greater sense of who they ARE, what defines them. Because once they’ve understood that, they will be able to know when they’ve been successful at it. (and the definition of success is a whole other ball game).

Who do you wanna-b?

The F’s we choose and the F we don’t…

I come from a family that resembles Dynasty without all the diamonds but all of the drama. My US born, free-spirited and always smiling mother married a  moustache wearing testoterone filled Colombian stud that became my dad, after divorcing the father of her four previous children. Mom passed away when I was 7, then dad hooked up with several women leaving more sons and daughters along the way as the hot-blooded latin macho man that he was.

I ended up being raised by my single aunt and very serious grandmother (on my dad’s side) in a country where life happened in Spanish, after learning to live in English, without my consent! I mean, who would ask a 7 year old what they wanted 20 plus years ago? ( I wish! More like 29 years ago).

Anyway, to make a long long long story short…disfunctional was our family name. I was a little girl that lost her mommy, my dad was nowhere to be found, I didn’t get to see the siblings I grew up with until many years had gone by and they were able to clean up their rebelious teenage acts, I had nothing in common with my new caretakers and frankly…I hated it all. And I made it very clear to them all every chance that I got.

I would often daydream about running away from this family that I didn’t choose, changing my name, joining a cult; anything to be “normal”. It’s taken me 36 years to realize that normalcy is a figment of our imaginations and that disfunctionality is present in most families if not all in one way or another. It’s taken giving birth to three amazing kids to realize that adults make mistakes and that this doesn’t mean that they don’t care, but they’re learning as they go along too. That families are groups of people that may not have chosen each other but are drawn to each other for good or for bad through a bond that can’t be undone even if we wish it away.

Yes, the bond can get rusty, tarnished, and maybe even torn at times…but it’s always there. We can get loud and say mean things but we know that when we need each other all is forgotten.

Learning to accept the F’s that we didn’t choose is an artform that takes patience and tolerance as more often than not we will not agree. Generational and gender gaps will interfere, personalities will clash, individual styles will collide with each other and the setting and tone will depend on the kind of family that you have. But rest assured that when times of true crisis come along they’ll be the first to show up and the last to leave.

So from the group of people we’re born into to the group of people we walk into…I can say, that some of my friends have become so close that I often wonder if they’ve not been a part of a past life or maybe related to me but separated at birth. We have synchronized thoughts and know exactly what each other needs from a soothing matzoh ball soup to that 3 am call to vent about our messed up lives.

Being raised as I did, influenced my choice in friends. I’ve gone from the loud outcasts and strays to the more level headed, poised and proper ones. From those that I see and talk to every day to those that I’ve not seen in ages yet manage to find time to read my blogs. I’ve made educated choices guided by reason, and impulsive choices driven by circumstances that they’ve all paid off. I have very few people I can call my friend but each and every one of them are dear to me. And trust me, if they’ve stuck around it’s because they’re unique human beings, because I can be a handful (or couldn’t you tell?).

To my family and friends…I love you all!

X – pectations…

I can’t remember how many times I’ve heard my girlfriends express their desilusion in their new male-friend. “He hasn’t called in days” ; “He hasn’t introduced me to his parents” ; “He doesn’t take me out to dinner”. And after being out in the jungle of dating for a little over 10 months after being married for 16 years myself I can’t help but wonder…why do we continue to have such high x-pectations?

Brenda met her male-friend online, randomly picked him out of a group of at least 200 men. Criteria? He looked attractive and lived nearby. She had never done the “online thing” but after waiting to meet Mr. Right forever, she thought she’d settle for Mr. Right Now and surf the net waters. Messages were exchanged and they agreed to meet. He was everything she thought he would be; charming, very handsome, tall (a requirement of course) and there!

They saw each other on and off for a few months and he repeatedly expressed no desire to commit, but she kept waiting for a change of heart. He told her about the other women he’s been seeing but she firmly believed that in time he’d realize that she’s “it”. Two years go by and she decides not to see him anymore and shows up at my doorstep crying about how he misled her for such a long time. Why don’t we listen? Men say no, and it’s as we hear “maybe” and then we blame them for our unrealistic x-pectations.

Now, I understand that the whole relationship structure has changed since I was young but come on…how many times do we set ourselves up for failure by x-pecting apple trees to grow oranges?

My good friend Ana is a serial dater; and despite the vast pool of not-so-eligible picks under her belt she continues to x-pect the Colin Farrel’s to refrain from using foul language; the George Hamilton’s to stop tanning and the Jack Nicholson’s to start dating women his own age! Einstein said it best when he defined insanity as the act of doing the same thing over and over x-pecting a different result.

Could it be that we’re running low on self-esteem and by x-pecting others to give us what we don’t give ourselves we are fulfilling the prophecy that says we’ll end up alone? Talk about full circles…I want the sun to be purple, but I know it’s blue…so I repeat to myself that it’s purple and cry when it turns out to be blue…ha! The thought in itself sounds like a tongue twister that managed to even confuse me…and I’m writing it! Imagine how ridiculous that sounds…and now apply to your life and you’ll probably get a laugh out of a few silly x-pectations that you’ve set as well…

What did you x-pect?

The big D…

Have you ever looked at old pictures and wondered what you were thinking when you proudly wore that polk-a-dot dress? Do you still think that Bon Jovi looked hot with all that hair? Would you wear those rhinestone covered sneakers again? If you’re at all like me you’d seriously question your judgement on the dress and would much prefer the new clean-cut version of Bon Jovi (and still think he’s hot!). As for the sneakers, well…maybe if they were comfortable.

Is your husband:

a) the polk-a-dot dress

b) big haired Bon Jovi

c) rhinestone sneakers

Let’s begin with the rhinestone sneakers. This is the man that may have gained some weight over the years, is not as active as he used to be, but he still makes you smile. He’s reliable and sweet. Never forgets a birthday or anniversary and you can sit with him at the dinner table and always have something to talk about. He might not be your choice in a line up or your candidate for Mr. Universe but when you look into his eyes you know that he’s “the one”. This couple will probably withstand the ups and downs relationships will have and come out of them even stronger. They respect and support each other.

Big haired Bon Jovi is the man that has evolved with you. He’s gone from teen rebel to a stable level headed partner that is successful and driven. He’ s grown both inside and out and is probably more of a catch than he was back when you met each other. Fast paced, maybe not always available or around but he makes you feel safe and cared for when you need it. This couple may question the relationship especially in moments of crisis (i.e. your water broke and he’s in China) but in the end you have a strong enough foundation to get through the ups and downs.

The polk-a-dot dress is the man that in time you start asking yourself “what was I thinking?” when going down memory lane to that time when he seemed like the one for you. You share no interests or common ground and while you feel that you’ve grown he’s still stuck in the past. While you’ve moved onto reading about current events he’s still laughing at old comic books that he keeps piled up in the bathroom and has owned since he was a kid. Responsable and caring but not a match at all.

Let’s say you’re married to Mr. Polk-a-Dot for 16 years, have three kids and what seems to be a great life on everyone else’s standards but, the truth is that you’ve been struggling with anxiety and are on medication to refrain you from pulling a “war of the roses” stunt by sofocating him in his sleep. As good as he is, and as noble his intentions are you just can’t stand to be around him anymore. What do you do?

a. Stay for the kids sake and become another sad and unhappily married statistic hoping that a more powerful drug is on the market that will numb you to the point of convincing yourself that this is what you want.

b. Quit while you’re ahead and you still respect him and value your relationship. It’s best to be good friends than terrible lovers or spouses. Save something instead of losing it all, in time.

I chose door b. and it was very difficult for my family and friends to understand how I could give up such a good man. But as I told them, not all good people belong together. I care deeply about him and he will always be the father of my children but we both deserve to be happy (whatever that means).

I’m not sure that I know what I want now that I’m living polk-a-dot dress-free, but I certainly know what I don’t want and that will narrow down the path I chose to take from now on.

After spending so much time as someone’s wife and mother I am just now getting to know myself and I like me. My life has certainly changed (and I’ll elaborate on that in future blogs, I’m sure) but for the time being I’ll just say that yes, it’s a big Decision to Divorce but I think that choosing a fulfilled life is even bigger. It’s all about how you feel at the end of the day when you put your head on the pillow and you’re left alone with only your thoughts…so, how do YOU feel?